Parent Navigation for Teenage Girl Social Angst
The holidays are over, the anticipation and excitement of the beginning of the new school year has fizzled out. And hopefully parents and students are back in the swing of routine. Setting up the backdrop for the real drama to begin. Settling into routine for many high school girls means not just waking up every morning at 6:30 am or 7a.m and getting to school on time. It also means easing into the predictability of social expectations and the comfort of “the group”. Like for example that comfort in knowing your friend will be waiting for your at corner to walk to school. Or knowing that your friends will all collectively meet at the same table in the same corner of the lunch room everyday. That when you are having a bad day or not feeling yourself you can count on your friends to seek solace and unconditional support. And even when the mundane routine catches up with your daughter and she needs a dopamine boost all she has to do is make a call or send out a text to get the excitement rolling again. All beautiful. But what happens when your daughter does not feel connected to any of her peers? When the dust of all of the shuffling of new formed groups settle and your daughter feels left behind?
Have your daughter speak to the guidance counselor: they often have a good reading on the class and can make suggestions for who to try and connect with and will be on the look out to give your daughter opportunities to join various activities to help connect with others.
Listen: Don’t try to solve the problem, at least at first. Your daughter needs to express her feelings and needs to know that she has a safe place to vent, cry, yell etc… If you try to problem solve too soon she will feel like you do not care and she will stop talking… to you. Make sure to keep the line of communication open.
Validate/Normalize While it may appear to your daughter that she is the ONLY girl out there that is struggling socially, that is NOT true. Let her know that this is a normal part of growing up and that many girls experience such struggles. If you have experienced your own challenge with making friends share it with your daughter.
Help Your Daughter to Identify and Appreciate Her Values: What does your daughter value in a friend? And in herself? Is she trying to fit in with a particular group of girls just because they are the “cool” ones that get the most attention? Or because they make a lot of noise and appear to be having the most fun? Wear the most stylish shoes, watch, backpack _________ (fill in)? Or is she drawn to the girls because of their character traits like honesty and sincerity? Are the other girls she is wanting to connect to in line with her values? Or is your daughter trying to be something she is not?
Debunk Big Myth- contrary to popular opinion you CAN be friends with people that appear different from you AND are in other grades. Don’t fear different. More important that you can feel understood and respected. Encourage your daughter to be curious. Not condemning of differences. Focus on the internal qualities rather than the external qualities.
Bulk Up the Self Talk- Negative thinking breeds negative thinking. Encourage your daughter to think about the positive contributions she can put into a friendship and what she can give to others. Instead of blaming herself for why something did not work out such as “No one likes me”, “Something must be wrong with me” encourage her to make a list of more realistic alternative reasons she may feel she keeps getting ignored such as “Maybe they didn’t hear me”, “They didn’t know I wanted to join”, “Their phone died and never got my text”. Challenge your daughter and see how many alternative reasons she can think up.
Is the school hashgafa and your daughter on the same page? Parents need to be very honest with themselves and their children in regards to where they are holding religiously. Trying to fit your daughter into a box that is not the right fit for the sake of your own family’s reputation will backfire. Or because you hope that putting her in a more or less religious environment will have a better chance of molding your daughter into the kind of woman you want her to become. This rarely works. Are the behavioral expectations of the school inside and out realistic for your daughter? You need your daughter’s buy in to attend any school and be successful. She has to feel on board with whatever rules and regulations the school lays out and if your daughter is uncomfortable or feels forced to do things that are not congruent with herself or her family’s lifestyle it will cause your daughter to feel alienated from her peers, and potentially create shaming experiences.
Making friends is not always easy. And for those girls that are more introspective and more mature it can often prove challenging to connect with her peers in meaningful ways. For some girls their closest friends may not be in school with them. If the source of social fulfillment does not seem to be coming from school encourage your daughter to focus on other interests and friendships outside of school that can help reinforce a healthy foundation of confidence and self esteem.
