The Gift of Failure
The Gift of Failure
One of the most influential school assignments I ever received was in a college class when I was instructed to purposefully fail at something that coming week. The goal of the assignment was to increase awareness of how often I tried to push myself to excel or try my hardest to be perfect and to come back and share what the experience was like: to let it all go. It was hard trying to keep myself from doing things just right, and I noticed the amount of stress I felt trying to be “perfect”. However, if I wanted to do the assignment perfectly, I had to force myself to be imperfect. What a liberating experience it was! To give myself permission to be deliberately imperfect. To let go of my cerebral thinking, trust my gut instinct and explore possibilities with the freedom to know it is okay to make a mistake!
How many of us can admit to having a close and personal relationship to perfection? That gnawing pressure that grows exponentially from inside many of us, fueled by external expectations to achieve a level of success that no one can reach. Whether it be in regards to our appearance, grades, status, our homes, our parenting or our relationships, many of us seem to be striving for a bar higher than anyone could possibly reach. Perfection does not exist. However we live in a world where we encounter messages constantly promoting the promise of perfection. Whether it be on billboards selling a perfect body or home magazines with perfectly hung drapes (that have been starched and ironed for hours to be hung just right). And of course there is the world of Facebook, Instagram etc. — giving us the opportunity to engage in competition with our family and friends for the perfect pic. If you think your neighbor’s kids are perfect… well, they must just close all their windows, doors and blinds between the hours of 4:30p.m.-9p.m. everyday. All of us are constantly being bombarded with challenges of all varying degrees of intensity and seriousness every day, specifically picked for us by Hashem to help us grow in the way we need.
Firstly, we need to appreciate what perfection does for us. It is a good thing to have goals to strive towards and have a desire to improve. So a nod of acknowledgement to perfection for giving us the drive to grow! But how do we know when perfection starts to take over and begins to cause more harm than good?
When we feel we can’t act spontaneous, have some fun or try something new. When flexibility becomes the enemy. When we become preoccupied with getting to the next level rather than being able to appreciate the moment and focus on what we have achieved now. When we begin to notice self-deprecating comments leaking into our thoughts that begin to negatively affect the way we think and feel about ourselves and others. One of the greatest lessons we can give to ourselves and our children is to experience failure. If we carried our toddlers everywhere, never allowing them to fall, they would never learn to walk. And if we always succumb to the strain of needing to get it right we may never develop true perseverance, humility and empathy.
Let’s be honest. No one wants to fail. Now, I am not telling you to purposely go ahead and not study and get a bad grade, or with intention burn the cookies or miss your deadline when you were just about to be promoted. But can we notice how perfection may interfere with trying something new or different? Can we dare to make a mistake? And when we do have a run in with failure, by accident, can we take a deep breath, embrace the moment, and take the opportunity to learn and grow?
